Love Maps Lesson 6

"There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood. Getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore." John Gottman

What are Love Maps?
Have you heard of a love map before? Well, neither had I until now. Love Maps are the foundation which John Gottman builds  marital relationships. Basically a love map is having a foundation of friendship, knowing the little things about your partner, their hopes, dreams and desires, which "creates a strong foundation for your friendship and intimacy." In chapter 4 of John Gottman's book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he suggest 60 questions to help couples start their love map. 
love map 1.PNGlove map 2.PNGlove map 3.PNGlove map 4.PNG
While the exercise might seem silly or too simple,  it is getting back to the foundation which your friendship is built on.

Why are Love Maps Important?
Love maps are important because the best way to build a relationship is by finding commonalities with one another. This is not true just in marriage but in building any kind of relationship. Think about your best friend, why are you friends with them? My best friend and I both love to craft, watch movies, and find a good deal. We developed  our friendship by driving to craft night together, because she doesn't like to ride in alone at night. So it is with the start of intimate relationships. My husband and I met the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. We were both serving a mission at the same time and so we started with that in common. As you start with a common foundation and participate in the love map exercise then you find the little things that matter most to your spouse.

How do Love Maps Help Couples Over Time?
Before I was married I had it all planned out. Marry a return missionary, temple marriage, six kids (a good mix of boys and girls), stay at home mom, all going to church happy and loving mom to the best kids. Wow, did I live in a fantasy world, some of these things happened and others did not. I have been married for almost 20 years now and so things are not as I thought they would be, but as I am learning there is always room for change and improvement. I think the creating love maps before your married and overtime is important because if we don't maintain that real friendship then we become more selfish and self-righteous. I have seen these things in myself as I want to blame things on my husband but I know I have part in the problem as well. I think as kids come along, careers develop, or even righteous things like serving in our callings can get in the way of maintaining these critical elements of a solid foundation. 

John Gottman PhD, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 

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