Managing Conflict Lesson 9

When I read Elder Lynn G. Robbins talk titled “Agency and Anger” from the 1998 General Conference there were three different quotes that stood out to me.

Stirring  Up Contention

He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.

Satan will try anything to destroy families. He knows their role and the importance they are to Heavenly Father. Families are eternal and Satan has given up the right to have that and so he doesn’t want anyone else to have it either. So often I have let little problems become big problems because of my anger. Like Elder Robbins talked about it being a recipe for disaster, it is so true, and it can happen so quickly if we are not careful. We need to be aware of our triggers that will stir us up to anger against one another. Sometimes it will be hard to not be right or to be the one to calm a situation. However, long term it will be the best solution.

Consciously Choose to Not be Angry

A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible” —careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!

My go to phrase in my house is, “it’s all about choices.” My family can’t stand it sometimes. It is true though, no one can make us angry we choose to get angry. We have power over our emotions and in marriage emotions can get charged over very small things. I know that I have been guilty of letting small things turn into an all-out argument because I have been emotionally charged. So, I need to take my own advice because it is all about choices…especially making smart choices.

Resolve to Remain Cool, Calm and Collected

Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again.” Ponder this resolution.

Because getting angry is a choice we can choose not to do it. The resolution to the problem sounds easy to say and we can tell ourselves that we won’t do it, but we need to remember in the heat of the moment the commitment we have made to ourselves of remaining calm. If we can do this the problems that we face as couples in marriage can be resolved in a more pleasing way and without anger it would probably be quicker as well. We might tell our spouse our goal and put up signs to remind us or practice keeping cool. So in the moment when we want to explode with reaction we are less likely to because we have already made up our minds or practiced our outcome.